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Friday, 06 November 2009

This isn't about you. It's about other people.

I feel like my friends suck
They never show up
For anything
They leave me stuck
In a billion ruts I find myself in
I get caught in those ruts all by myself

My cell phone is full of useless numbers
Just taking up memory
Each number attached to a piece of data in my brain
Some event that told me it might be good to call sometime
But those numbers go unused most of the time
As does my phone
Which I mostly use to update my Facebook status

Those jerks
They don't know when I'm hurt
When I'm physically around and smiling
But inwardly in a dark cave
They don't ask
They don't want to know how I'm doing really
Who I am, really

I'm cruising for dates online
I've mostly given up on the idea of connecting through current friends
Few of whom know I went out with a guy I met online
He could have been a stalker or some other kind of creep
(but I'm pretty sure he's nice)
I wonder if I'd feel such a huge need for romance if I had better friends
Hmm

So yeah. Sometimes people suck. Probably not you, though. :)

Sunday, 25 October 2009

Thoughts i can post because no one ever reads xanga

So I started a Christian Cafe trial. I made this list a few weeks ago, steps toward getting married, ordered from 0 to 10. Very linear thing for a journey that tends not to be. Very linear for an INFP. I was stuck at step 0. Steps 1 and 2 involved meeting someone and convincing him that I was awesome. But I never meet people. So to the interwebs...

I've been avoiding this route. Past attempts at online dating have been disappointing. Getting matched with dudes I already knew (an elephant never discussed, annoying). Getting hit on by creepy dudes. Creepy.

So far, this has been better. 2 days in, I've gone from 0 to 2. 3? We'll see...

:)

Friday, 04 September 2009

Currently
Lying Awake
By Ellery
see related
my epic bat story

I was sitting on the sofa
Texting a friend about plans for the next day
When in the corner of my eye
Much to my surprise
I thought I saw something fly
Something black and large at large in my living room
I freaked out
And the bat freaked out and hid in the worst possible place
In the kitchen, on top of the pantry door, far from an exit
What would I do?
I couldn't get it to shoo
My windows had screens; it wouldn't be easy for the bat to flee
I opened the front door and waited
But it wouldn't move
Just perched in the kitchen
I made desperate pleas to friends, the property manager, and civil authorities
No one seemed able to help
I searched online for strategies to get it out
But my word, I didn't want to remove it by myself
(It's no good for man to be alone. Nor is loneliness good for young ladies frightened by tiny flying mammals. Forget sex. I need someone to get the bats out.)

We engaged in a terrified stare-down, the bat and I
For over two hours, each wondered which would make the next move
I read something about throwing a towel or blanket over it to trap it, which I tried
But it didn't work; part two of that strategy was too up close and personal
So I only made it shriek and cry
Poor little thing, it didn't mean to terrorize
It just made a wrong turn in the night sky

Just in the nick of time, just when i had given up hope of getting sleep that night
Like an angel out of the box, a neighbor arrived
Thankfully less squeamish than I, he wedged the bat out of its unfortunate corner with a broom
Then used an old blanket to employ step two of the tactic I had earlier tried
The bat was scooped up and rushed outside
And let loose to fly
Safe, sound, and fully alive

So listen well, have no doubt
Be thankful for boundaries that keep outside out
Remember that little bats don't suck blood or terrorize
They eat mosquitos and are scared of us
And neighbors and friends who care when you're freaking out are absolutely precious

Monday, 17 August 2009

50 questions

if you haven't checked out accidentalcreative.com, you're missing out. lots of great thoughts for creative types...

i'm going through a podcast series called "the basics", which sort of outlines what the folks at AC feel leads to prolific, healthy expressions of creativity... things like rhythm (finding out what sort of disciplines and routines are needed in order for "accidental" creating to happen), becoming unbound (being aware of lies that keep you from being fully engaged in what you were meant to do), curiosity (asking questions, being a bit of an explorer), and other habits and traits. in the episode on "curiosity", AC founder todd henry (a cincinnati guy who happens to be one of the creative programming folks at crossroads) provides an exercise. basically you write out 50 questions off the top of your head. then see if there are any patterns that emerge... i thought, just for fun, i'd post my 50. veiling some, lest it be too TMI. but here is the list... :) (i'll point out that i sometimes combined multiple questions into one. i'm complex. :)

1. why am i still single? how will i meet my husband? where is he? what is he like?
2. why haven't i dated? why don't good guys ask me out?
3. why aren't people coming to see me play (at least, in the numbers i'd like)?
4. what's the best way to transition to full-time music? is that a reasonable goal?
5. why does my throat feel funny today? (some of these questions are random. :)
6. is all the coffee i've been drinking affecting my teeth? does the whitening toothpaste help?
7. what's wrong with the air conditioning in my car? will i have to get another car?
8. what's up with the songwriter's block?
9. why are there (completely gross and icky) bugs in my apartment (not an infestation, that i know of, but there have been multiple sightings)? how can i get rid of them?
10. why so many faxes and phone calls at work when i just want quiet?
11. why am i still in cincinnati (not as in, "i want to leave, why am i stuck" but as in "what's my purpose in being here")?
12. is that guy straight? does he notice me? ;)
13. will that other guy like me?
14. when will i get my hair done?
15. what's the next thing to do today?
16. how can i get my apartment decluttered? is it possible to keep it that way?
17. should i buy an fm transmitter for my ipod? an iphone? a gps dealie?
18. why does my pinky toe hurt in these shoes? (they used to fit.)
19. how come he never asked me out?
20. is the cd project i'm considering a good idea? how should i go about it?
21. what will it take to feel like i've achieved something? will i get there?
22. what's the next season of my life to be? when does it start? :)
23. what's next for my church? where do i fit in that?
24. how do i get it all done?
25. why can't i keep a pair of sunglasses these days?
26. should i be concerned about the crack in my windshield?
27. why am i nervous around certain types of people?
28. why am i so tired today? why was i so tired yesterday?
29. what do i do to keep my brain alert when i'm doing something that's not mentally stimulating?
30. why can't i just take a nap? why has insomnia re-emerged?
31. how can i get caught up in life?
32. what it would it take for me to feel like i can go full-time with music? like i can lead worship full-time?
33. is it possible to lead worship and pursue music outside the church at the same time? how does one go about that in a healthy way?
34. what does "unnecessary creating" (creating outside the context of things you have to do for employment, etc.) look like in this season?
35. why does the traffic on i-75 always suck?
36. what does this task have to do with creativity? what will i learn? why was this difficult?
37. why is there so much violence in my city? so much racism?
38. am i serving where i should be? how i should be?
39. why is it so much weirder to hear inappropriate conversations here than in another context where the convos were more frequent and more extremely inappropriate?
40. will it hurt? will it be awesome? what's it like, really?
41. has he waited? is he more experienced (i wrote down "or less", but seriously, he can't be less experienced than i) when it comes to dating? does it matter?
42. why so much curiosity about the "relationship" thing right now? is that okay? is something out of balance? does something need to change?
43. is it okay that i feel so inexperienced at my age? is it deceptive that i look so young? (are people more impressed - if they're impressed - with the skills i have than they should be because they think i'm twelve? :)
44. is there purpose in this job beyond getting the bills paid?
45. am i going to get some terrible illness someday?
46. should i go on a missions trip? where? what kind of trip?
47. am i healed enough from past hurts? do i need to do more "growth and healing" or "recovery" work?
48. have i totally forgiven those who have hurt me?
49. why do i struggle so much with regular, consistent, deep community? why do i struggle with forming deep friendships?
50. does proximity matter, in terms of building community? why hasn't that "worked" for me so far?

so those are my 50 questions... what would yours be? (not that terribly many people even read this anymore. which is exactly why i'm posting it here and not as a FB note. :)

Wednesday, 29 July 2009

is there a case for random acts of flirtation?

Sometimes (just now, for example), a guy I don't know from Adam randomly hits on me.

Typically, I shoot them down. Shoot 'em down quick. I'm nice about it, but the convo ends quickly.

My general assumption is that a discerning guy will want to know something about someone before initiating pursuit. And that the guys who will approach someone just because she's cute aren't my type.

But my relative lack of experience with dating tells me something's off. Not sure what. Just something.

And it makes me wonder if I need to get over being creeped out by strangers. So I can get married (presumably, to someone who is currently a stranger). So I can at last get some. :)

Maybe I've been right all along. I'm just wondering if I'm not.

Hmm...